My grandpa, my hero.

I was meant to be writing a different article. Robin Williams' death this morning led to a flurry of tributes on Facebook and Twitter. RIP messages to someone who would never see them. I was going to comment on my refusal to be part of the herd that did that. I'm writing a different post.

When I was 8 years old or thereabouts, my grandpa came to visit. This was not a frequent occurrence and contrasted sharply with a recent visit from my paternal grandma. My only memory from this visit stems from his reaction to our stomping around and playing noisily, as kids do, in the room directly above his. He called me down and I was surprised that instead of yelling at me like said grandma would, he said "lying downstairs, upstairs sounds like a drunken menagerie". This statement elicited a wondrous reaction. Having never heard the word 'menagerie' before I had to ask him what it meant and he explained it to me. He was always willing to share his knowledge with us.

My fondest memories of time spent with my grandpa involve his telling me stories of his time in England studying at Lincoln's inn or about his memories of the Nigerian civil war or his time as Chief Justice of Nigeria. Last time I was home, for the first time in my memory, I spent an entire day with just my grandparents. He was 93 and she was 87. I knew that I couldn't have them forever and between living in London and their deteriorating health, I have had fewer opportunities to see them the last few years. I was therefore extremely pleased to have spent that time with them.

My fondest memories of my extended family revolve around his house in Ohafia. My cousins and I operated out of there whenever we were in the village during our teenage years. Evenings spent singing popular songs in the “bar”, nights spent trying to sneak in quietly having been to parties and then trying to stifle laughter when 6 or 7 of us were 'forced' to sleep in one room with humorous consequences, mornings and afternoons on the verandah chatting with several generations of Anyahs and calling out to passers-by, holding our breaths every time we drove into the compound - the narrow gate and steep incline making us wonder whether whomever was driving would be able to squeeze through without scratching the car.

Even my most awful memory of attending my uncle, his son's funeral is from that house. I have been saddened since we all grew up because I knew that we might never get another chance to congregate as we did for our grandparents' 50th anniversary at that house. Now I am desolate because I know it is true. There were three men against whom all men I have ever encountered have been measured. One of them is no more. I join the legions of people who write tributes to someone who will not read it. Grandpa adieu. Life will never be the same but I write this knowing that you achieved all that you ever could and were the best grandfather that anyone could ever hope for. Rest in peace papa.

NB: Written yesterday evening once I heard of his death but waited till I was sure everyone would have heard before posting.

Living Life to the Fullest

According to the Metro, the following are the top 50 ways to live life to the full. I’ve appended my comments about whether I’m doing so, intend to do so or there is no chance it will ever happen next to them all. At the end, I’ll calculate how fully I’m living life at the moment.

1.       Stop worrying about money: When I first moved to London, money was really tight. I remember a spell in which I had to live off £30, for food, toiletries and transport, weekly. I shopped in the cheapest places and successfully managed my budget. Even then, I didn’t worry about money.

2.       Stop worrying about what other people think: I was a very sensitive child, eager to please my family and people around me. One day I realised that letting what people thought affect me made my life stressful so I decided I needed to stop thinking. Obviously to a certain extent I care about the input of some people but generally I’d say I don’t give a flying rat’s arse what people think.

3.       Take two holidays a year: So far this year I’ve been to Ireland, Nigeria, Palestine, the Isle of Wight festival and Cumbria. I also have Barcelona, Paris, Amsterdam, Ottawa, New York city and Nigeria (again) to go. I take a lot of holidays because I love travel.

4.       Enjoy the little comforts: I always tell people I’m pretty simple. Give me a sofa, an iPhone, some books, some films, a bit of travel and mates to do stuff with and I’m pretty happy.

5.       Work to live rather than live to work: Well anyone who knows anything about me knows I don’t give a shit about work generally. My line manager was aghast that I put “work only between 9 and 6” down as one of my objectives. I wasn’t kidding.

6.       Experience different cultures: Not only do I travel loads but I love to make friends from different nationalities so I get a lot of different cultures

7.       Pay off all debts: This one is a little bit tricky. I’m going to become a student for the next 4 years so reckon that I might build my debt instead of paying it off but I try to keep reasonable levels of debt. I’ll put this on my bucket-list for when I turn 35.

8.       Be true to yourself: I might be a little too much myself. When I was younger, I’d say till about 25 or so, I used to have different personas with different people and try to fit in with their expectations of me. These days I am super clear about who I am and try to stick to my principles as much as possible

9.       Concentrate on what you have instead of what you don’t have: Drummed into my head as a kid and still a principle that I live by

10.    Use money for fun rather than a rainy day: My savings are practically non-existent. I have no rainy day fund

11.    Make time for family and friends: I love my friends and family and always make time for them. My ideas of how much time needs to be made might not be as much as they want (my mum definitely wants to hang out a bit more than I wind up doing) but I sometimes sacrifice family time in favour of friends time because I kind of think family will always be there whereas friends are more transient.

12.    Try all types of food: As a food lover and wannabe foodie I’m always open to trying new cuisines. I have previously been less enthusiastic about things that I used to hate as a child (all cooked vegetables, honey, porridge) and tend to be put off foods with these elements included. I’ve recently discovered that I actually like a couple of things I used to hate (mushrooms, honey) and even tried being vegetarian for a few weeks so now I’m a bit more adventurous with all foods.

13.    Find true love: I think I’ve found true love and if I’m somehow wrong, I’m constantly looking for it.

14.    Travel to at least 25 foreign countries: So far I’ve been to 15 countries and have another 7 on my radar to get to over the next couple of years. I reckon I will soon hit this target, certainly before I turn 35.

15.    Go outside more: I spend as much time as I can outdoors. Living in England, this is not always possible but this year, I’ve even learnt to brave the rain. I’m cycling, hiking, walking, running, playing football, sitting in beer gardens and going to the park. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say I’m spending at least 30% of my non-work time outdoors which is a lot if you consider how much time is spent sleeping!

16.    Learn a new language: I’ve purportedly been learning Italian for a couple of years now but this year I put it on my pre-30^th bucket-list so I’m well keen on conducting basic decent conversation in it and being able to read a little within the next 6 weeks. Was a bit bummed I couldn’t find my audio files over last weekend but I’ve ordered a few children’s books and these should make up for my loss.

17.    Be well thought of by family or friends: Well obviously I think I’m well thought of by my family and other than the odd disappointment with my lifestyle or life choices I have been told as much by my parents and siblings. My friends like me. That’s what they say at least.

18.    Help your family when they are in need: I help my family all the time. My brothers and sister get financial support from me when necessary and my cousins have stayed over when they needed a place to stay. Nigerians are like this. We all help family when necessary.

19.    Lose 1 stone in weight: Since June I think I’ve lost 2

20.    Treat each day like it’s your last: I don’t save. I have a fear of missing out that means I have a seriously hectic schedule. I don’t like to book stuff in advance. I like to leave people in no doubt of how I feel about them. However I procrastinate quite a bit. I’m working on this.

21.    Visit all Britain’s historical landmarks: This will take forever to do. It’s on the list

22.    Book an impulsive last minute holiday: I would like to know what last minute here means as I usually leave my holiday booking till as late as possible and all it takes for me to go on holiday is for someone to ask. I think I went to Milan the first time with about 2 weeks’ notice. I’m convinced that one day I will rock up to an airport and pick a destination with no advance planning.

23.    Volunteer for a charity: I have charity days at work and I’ve used them on a couple of occasions. I’ve also worked for Oxfam albeit unofficially

24.    Take up a challenge: This year has been a year of challenges. I wrote myself a bucket-list and have been working my way through them. Highlights so far include running a 10k, cycling to work, going vegetarian for a couple of weeks, learning to rollerblade and losing 2 stone

25.    Go on safari: I wonder if this includes a UK safari. I hear there’s something in England of the sort. The big Kenya or Tanzania safari is on the list. Maybe that should go on my pre-35^th bucket-list

26.    Blow money shopping: I went to Debenhams and spent over £500 on clothes once. That’s a lot for me seeing as I like to keep my clothes usually between £10 and 30.

27.    Learn a new instrument: Again, this is something on my bucket-list. I’ve had an acoustic guitar I acquired from my brother for years and never managed to fit in the time to play. This year I won an electric guitar and acquired a much better acoustic guitar and intend to get my friends who play to teach me something decent to play by the 14^th of October

28.    Be married for longer than 20 years: I recognise this is a major achievement and applaud my parents and grandparents for exceeding this target by some distance (my parents are on 31 and my grandparents on something like 67 years of marriage). However, I think marriage is stupid. So this is one that I really doubt I’m even going to attempt.

29.    Save money for your grandchildren to enjoy: With no desire to procreate or get married and a proclivity for spending more than I save, I really doubt I can make this one. Seems a bit contradictory to number 10 though…

30.    Start a family: See 28 and 29 for reasons why this will not be happening

31.    Earn more money than your age: I assume this means my age with a few zeros next to it. Already doing that

32.    Have a pet: I really want a dog but I need a different lifestyle. On the cards for that pre-35^th bucket-list

33.    Drive a really fast car: This has always been on my list. A fast car on the Nurburgring racing circuit or just any German autobahns. I need to get a valid UK license first. This will definitely be on my pre-35^th bucket-list

34.    Travel alone: Already done Delhi and Amsterdam by myself. Didn’t like being alone so much. Glad I don’t have this one to tick again

35.    Keep children on the straight and narrow: Don’t like kids. Don’t like getting involved with other people’s kids. However I do like mentoring and where my advice is sought, would certainly keep them on the straight and narrow

36.    Meet strangers: I meet them all the time and I generally don’t like them. I met one recently. And I talked to her

37.    Move away from home to an unfamiliar place: Did that when I moved from Lagos to London and to a lesser degree when I went to Benin to do my undergraduate degree. I also moved to Manchester for 15 months for my internship and would love to live in Bologna for a few months.

38.    Have a one-night stand: Even though I’m not a fan of these, I have had one. It was great

39.    Pass your driving test: I’ve taken one and failed. Hopefully I’ll pass the next one

40.    Get a degree: Check! Now working on my master’s and hopefully a PHD after that so I’ll have three degrees!

41.    Rescue someone so you’re a hero for a while: I’d like to think that some of the things I’ve done for my friends have amounted to rescuing them. With my lack of interest in strangers and inability to climb, swim or do anything helpful like hat I can’t say I see this being on the cards anytime soon

42.    Date someone exciting but completely wrong: I think I’ve done this once or twice and it was very exciting

43.    Get a promotion: I’ve had two

44.    Reach your career peak by 40: Considering I’m just trying to switch career this might be a big ask. No harm in trying though

45.    Have an all-night drinking session: I believe that my first night of drinking ever was an all-night drinking session with my cousin. We got rather drunk. I also went to New York with this same cousin and I don’t remember how we got back to our hotel. The biggest claim to completion of this though is my first Christmas as a worker when I drank from 11am on a Friday till 4am on a Sunday. It ended very badly

46.    Perform something on stage in front of others: I played Jesus in a school play as a 5 year old, did some modelling for my uncle’s fashion show as a 9 year old and love karaoke

47.    Snog a stranger: My very first snog stranger was with an Irish lad. I forget whether it was in London or Manchester. I’ve had a few more but don’t like to make a habit of it.

48.    Plan a surprise party: To be done

49.    Embark on adrenaline-packed activities such as bungee jumping: Did Go-Ape. Was scared to death because it turns out I have a rather serious fear of heights. Until I sort this out, by going on another Go-Ape day and confronting my fears, I will have to pass on other height-based adrenaline-packed activities

50.     Keep young by spending time with children: Don’t like children but I do spend time with young people. That should do

Summary

I’ve ticked thirty-three things off this list, think I can tick another thirteen off by the time I should or before I turn 35 and only have four I don’t think I can or should bother with. If I do say so myself, I’m living life pretty well then

Feeling Good

I have been actively trying to lose weight since 2007. I was a really active teenager and youth (referring to my early 20s). My parents were pretty strict about spending time outside the house so sports were my excuse to stay at school longer and I played everything from football and basketball to field events that I sucked at like shot put. When I got into university I was working so many hours (mostly at McDonald’s) and studying so much that there was nothing for my body to do but burn fat regardless of how much I ate. And I ate quite a lot. In 2005 – 2006 I had an emotionally abusive boyfriend and hit the lowest point of happiness in my life. For the first, and only time, I lost my appetite for quite a while and I lost a lot of weight – I was just a size 12 to start with but I went down to almost a 10 and that’s pretty skinny for my frame.

I broke up with him, moved on and got my appetite back. I also got a very sedentary job providing technical support for a broadband provider. I worked long hours and carried on eating at the same rate as I always had and slowly I put on the pounds. By my graduation day in 2007, when I wanted to buy an outfit I realised that I couldn’t fit into any of the Topshop trousers anymore – they only went up to a small 14 and I was a big 14 – and I bought three of them with the intention to fit into them by the winter of that year. I started work for an IT consultancy and landed a project on an out of town project and spent two and a half years living in hotels, eating at restaurants and drinking a significantly higher amount of alcohol than I had ever done. Unlike my more health-conscious colleagues I didn’t utilise the free gym access we were entitled to and football once a week did not negate all the calories I consumed no matter how vigorous the sessions were. My next project was even worse. I wound up on a project where I couldn’t even play football and I ate a lot of burgers and ribs but didn’t go to the gym much. The worst spell was 6 months in Dublin with zero social life and a lot of Chinese and fried chicken meals. I think in the 6 months I was in Ireland I didn’t do any sport there and when I was in London I negated the benefits of Sunday football by immediately consuming several alcoholic beverages in the pub afterwards.

In 6 years I lost weight thrice. In the autumn of 2008 I wanted to visit my health conscious cousin in DC and thought it wouldn’t do to turn up too fat. I ate very little and went to the gym 6 days a week and lost about 12lbs in three weeks so I looked pretty good but still didn’t fit into those trousers. I coined operation 22 then because I figured I needed to lose 22lbs to get to my target size. In February 2011 my friend went on a low GI diet and I decided to join in. I lost about 12lbs again and looked relatively good again but by this time I was so overweight that I really needed to lose about 33lbs to even have a chance of meeting my target. At the end of 2011 I split up with someone and thought stupidly that I could win them back by losing weight so I started watching what I ate and doing a bit more exercise – walking loads, climbing escalators instead of getting the stairs, running – and even decided to cut out alcohol. Again I lost some weight but at about 12lbs when it became noticeable and I didn’t win my lover back, I kinda gave up. By March this year when I was rounding up in Dublin I hit a low point and actually had to buy lots of size 18 clothes because nothing I owned would fit anymore. This was when I started to think I had to make a complete lifestyle change but I was too lazy to actually follow through completely.

I turned up for my sister’s wedding in April a bit slimmer but still wearing the size 18 clothes and slipped back into my old routines that meant I hovered around the same weight for a couple of months. Then I got dumped. Well we split up mutually but the thought of getting back on the dating scene meant that I was I felt a strong desire to take ownership of my weight. I decided that since I can’t maintain any sort of diet for a decent length of time, I was going to have to resort to the simple equation of burning more calories than I eat. My friend and I set our goals on June 4^th. I decided I wanted to lose between 12 and 15kg by October 4^th and I wanted to do it reasonably. I kept a food diary, only ate when I was hungry – with the occasional binge – didn’t cut out alcohol but tried to be reasonable about drinking and started playing 2 sessions of badminton and 2 sessions of football every week. I started cycling to football on Sundays too. In July I started cycling to work a couple of times a week and added another football game a week. Now I cycle to most places and have kept up with the football and badminton sessions. I do a 30 minute brisk walk for lunch almost every day too and have mostly kept the eating under control. It’s about 6 weeks before my deadline and I’ve lost about 10kg. I feel great because I’m totally within my comfort zone and can sustain this lifestyle (less activity will be required to maintain this weight in the winter months) forever. I also ran a 10k race and have taken to cycling 25 miles on a Wednesday to get to my football game and back. I hope I can meet my target but even if I don’t, the good news is that I’m about half an inch away from fitting perfectly into trousers that I previously couldn’t get to do up. That’s good enough for me.

Most people have said to me over the last few years that I look great and I’ve always commented that I know this but I’ve been slimmer and know I could look better. I’m glad I finally found a way to make it happen.

Yet Another Independence Day

It’s the start of Nigeria’s 53rd year of independence from British colonial rule. As usual, I have seen many broadcasts, tweets and Facebook status updates wishing Nigeria and Nigerians a happy birthday / independence. As I strongly feel that there is nothing happy about the state of Nigeria, I have been tempted not to acknowledge it in anyway.

I have many times compared the Nigeria my grandparents tell me about to the one I grew up in and the one I visit occasionally these days and have been unable to think of a single reason for anyone to prefer this one. I frequently think back to the stories my parents sometimes share about the newly independent Nigeria and can’t help but wonder why we bothered getting rid of the British only to run the country into the ground.

Then I think to myself, that in my self-imposed exile from Nigeria, I am not actually trying to help the situation in anyway. In distancing myself from the essence of my country, I have not put myself in any position to understand what ails the nation or how my generation can right the wrongs of the generation before. By avoiding Nigerian news except when occasionally stumbling really bad (e.g. the Dana air crash) or really good news (e.g. D’Banj breaking into mainstream music with his UK top 10 hit, Oliver Twist) that transcends the “Africa” section of the BBC and Guardian websites, I cannot be informed or knowledgeable about the ways in which I could influence a better tomorrow.

I think about the good ambassadors we have these days such as acclaimed author Chimamanda Adichie and writer/artist Teju Cole. I think about the talented artists and artistes that make the news for more positive reasons than negative. I think about Fela Kuti's campaign to enlighten Nigerians and ginger our interest in political activism over apathy. I think about the paralympians who finished 22nd in the London 2012 medals table and give me hope that if we can field disabled athletes when traditionally the disabled have only had begging and family as their only source of welfare, then we could be making a change in other areas too.

Finally, I realise that if I had been unfortunate enough to have had a stupid father I would not begrudge him a congratulatory message on his birthday. So, fellow Nigerians, happy Independence day! Maybe next year, we might actually have something to celebrate.

GROW Diary - One Month In

There are two things that struck me early on in my attempt to eat less meat. Firstly, I felt like I was hungrier on vegetarian days. Secondly, I have been eating a lot of chips and beans. Neither of these two statements helps with my grand plan to be healthier and fitter but they are quite true.


The best thing about this mission of mine has been my friends’ reactions when I’ve declined meat, picked an uncharacteristic option off a menu or said to them that I’m a part-time vegetarian now. My friend NM laughed and said “You can’t be a part-time vegetarian. You either are one or you aren’t”. My friend ST said “Haha! I’ve never heard anything as hilarious as someone who doesn’t like vegetables trying to become vegetarian”. Another friend, FL, did a double-take when I told her the plan and the funniest was PG who exclaimed in incredulity “Why would you do that?!”

I’m obviously well aware of the reasons for the doubt in the minds of my friends. It hasn’t been a walk in the park. There have been some challenges, particularly with eating out. I went to a Thai restaurant and was assaulted by vegetarian meals with the detestable base of cooked vegetables so my initial plan for a meat-free day was thrown out the window. I eat lots of chips and beans in the office canteen because I like hot lunches and hot vegetarian options seem to involve lots of cooked vegetables. It also doesn’t help when I get home after a long day of eating vegetables and my sister has made a delicious chicken stew and left me a plate for dinner.

Overall, though, it’s been easier than I expected. I am trying out new things. In the last few weeks I’ve ticked tofu, coriander, butternut squash and cottage cheese off my hate list. I am trying things that would have previously been unimaginable – ‘pure vegetarian restaurants’ were on my hit list for years – and getting a lot more fibre and vegetables than I have eaten since I moved out of the family home.

This month I’ve had 4 vegetarian days out of 6 and hope to make it 5 of 7 today. I’m aiming for 15 vegetarian days and I think I might make it. I got a vegetarian cook-book and will attempt to make my first meatless meal this weekend ahead of a (hopefully) vegetarian dinner party that I will be hosting next week.

Food power

Anyone who knows me at all, even a teeny bit, will be surprised by this post. I have been such a fervent meat eater that I got the nickname “anti-vegetarian”. I spent most of 2011 trying to get my vegetarian friend Nika to eat some meat. Fortunately she had a far greater conviction than I did and has now become vegan. In my defence, my carnivorous tendencies are largely down to nurture. Growing up in Nigeria, our meals comprised carbs, vegetables and non-meat proteins in large quantities with a little piece of meat holding court as the cherry on the cake. Meat was the reward for good behaviour and special treats generally involved getting taken out for (or getting take away) suya (charcoal fired beef or chicken), nkwobi (cow hoof delicacy), isi ewu (goat head delicacy), grilled fish and other meat based delicacies. This is in addition to the fact that being a textures person, meat has a great texture and I can’t stand most vegetables/vegetarian food items in their cooked form. Or so I thought…

My challenge, from Sunday July 29th till Monday August was to eat vegetarian food because I visited a friend of mine who is vegetarian and has been for about 8 years. I thought the first half might be OK because there wouldn’t be any temptation but I had zero faith that I would get through 4 days at a festival without consuming any meat. I didn’t succeed. I had some tuna, a bacon & cheese quiche and some gravy but I have good reasons for those three incidents. I was offered the tuna melt and accepted without realising for a second until it was pointed out that it wasn’t vegetarian, I didn’t like any of the other quiches available because I can’t stand most cooked vegetables and I honestly didn’t realise that gravy is highly unlikely to be vegetarian.

So while I wasn’t 100% successful, I gave it 100% effort. The upside of this experiment has been that I have realised that I will not die without meat and some vegetarian food is tasty. I just have to pick right and make some clever substitutions. I do not feel at this point that I could go completely vegetarian but I’m inspired to cut down on my meat consumption as much as I can over the next few months. Much of my plans are never followed through but since I came into work with some meat free pasta today, I think it’s safe to say this is one campaign that will be staying alive.

Feminism outdated?

There is a reason for my general lack of passionate and emotional displays these days. I am one of those people who commits completely to something or not at all. I spent a lot of my childhood and adolescence filled with angst and frustration. I was rather violent and would fly into fits of rage that saw me convulse with the sheer force of emotion that I felt. Having experienced what I felt was a great injustice/disappointment when I was about 13, I decided never to get excited about anything and the seeds of pessimism were sown. The violence ended at 17 when I slapped my brother and he gave me a punch. He’d grown several inches that year and was either my height or slightly taller. I spluttered and agitated to be allowed to fight him while internally praying that my cousin would continue to hold me back.

I spent a lot of the years from 13-16 arguing about religion. 14/15 I spent engaged in futile conversations with various catholic students in my school about how terrible and foolish Catholicism was and 16 trying desperately to be born again and get other people to see the light. After a while, however, I realised that discourse of this nature is largely pointless as one will either be doggedly pro-religion or not and if they are pro-religion then they will be steadfast in their faith. There is no logical debate to be had against dogma. Thus I retired from the faith-based passion. I took the route of analytical and dispassionate dissection of most issues.

I don’t really care much for politics. In my opinion, one can have the best of intentions but ultimately has to compromise too much to remain in a position of power and influence. Similarly, while I am a supporter of several sporting teams and athletes I can detach myself rather easily because, ultimately, I picked the teams I support largely because they provide me with lots of ammunition in debates with the far more passionate people around me.

The one thing I however continue to remain wholly passionate about is feminism. Growing up in Nigeria in the 90s, I had a strong working mother who never came to school like the other mothers because she was very busy with her job working in the bank. I also had a very traditional mother who always ensured that we were well fed, clothed, spent quality time with us and essentially ensured that knew that she was the boss. This same mother also defers to my father as the man of the house.

When I was about 9 years old, my dad yelled out my name from the living room. I was busy doing something but I have forgotten what. I raced downstairs – all African kids know that one does not mosey along to a call by their parents – and was faced with the horror of my father asking me to pour some water from the pitcher on the stool next to him into a glass. I remember being aghast – not because my dad had asked me to do this task, but because my brother was right next to him watching TV. This was the birth of what I would realize, many years later, was a sense of injustice against being treated differently because I was a woman. I proceeded to spend the rest of my time living in my parent’s house frustrated at the blatant sexism that was going on. Entire Saturdays were spent in the market and/or kitchen purchasing, cooking and cleaning up after meals and snacks for my father, the boys and his friends who played table tennis and draughts. Various sneaky attempts by me to join them were met with looks from my mum that would stop me dead – if looks could kill. Thankfully they don’t.

I remember having disparaging thoughts towards my mother and other women in my extended family for the perceived injustices against them. These days I realise that, to a large extent, these women have chosen to live in this way and it works for them. They love to cook and clean and look after their men and their men also love to look after their women in return for these services rendered. As my little brother said, his utopia would be a world where his woman would cook for him THEN wash up afterwards. As a result, he tends to go for women who either love doing this or feel (read: can be convinced) that they should. He steers well clear of feminists. I admire his honesty and clear position on the matter.

Where am I going with this? I have just had a discussion of the ilk that I used to have all those years ago - the kind that ends with me wanting to shake some common sense into the other person. I should know better. I mentioned to a friend that my retirement plan is to adopt 5 boys and ensure they all become awesome athletes. She asked me if I wouldn’t want girls instead given that they are easier to raise. I said I would find girls more difficult because, quite frankly, I think life as a girl is tough. I’ve always been a boy’s girl. I climbed trees and played every sport available in my school. I remember my mother shaking her head at 15, when she forced me to select only one sport, wondering when I would realise I was a girl. Unfortunately, my gender has never been of huge concern to me – except in matters of pregnancy and periods but that’s a story for another day.

I digress. Following a declaration by me that I don’t want to have to worry about my girls getting pregnant and having their lives ruined by babies, my friend said it was men who ruin women’s lives. I then postulated that one way or the other, their lives could be ruined and I would prefer to have the opportunity to raise strong, sensitive, feminist men instead. Whoa! The deluge! I’m not sure if it was the initial “eeewwwww” response to the prospect of feminist men or silly statements like “wanting men to stop raping women on account of their “asking for it” if dressed in [what is perceived as] skimpy outfits is like wanting paedophiles to stop sleeping with children” that shocked me more.

Other gems of wisdom from her included “women should not be builders, they are not as strong and thus not effective” (maybe she missed industrialization); “feminism is about positive discrimination and getting things that are not deserved”; “the US is whack” and “I’m not talking about Nigeria” when I mention chauvinistic behaviour and anti-abortion campaigns in the US and “yet you work with Accenture. It doesn’t help your cause since it’s an equality company” (WTF!). I can’t remember it all and wouldn’t wish to anyway as I might get as exasperated as I was an hour ago. I had to end the conversation with a point that Caitlin Moran – my new favourite person – made. Women like this can only express such views because of feminism.

Her final opinion is that feminism is outdated and the opinion of a select few who wish to force this opinion onto others. I can’t think of a better example of why feminism is still relevant. If women like her, enjoying the salient benefits of feminism and blind (deliberately or otherwise) to the scope for further improvement, choose to call themselves anti-feminism then there is still a lot of work to do. I will have as many more of these impassioned arguments as I can to ensure that the message of feminism is not lost. We aren’t asking for anything special. We aren’t asking for positive discrimination. We’re just asking to be considered as equals.