Club du Chim

So I was imagining the scenario that’s been playing out in my stomach/digestive system over the last month. It’s week 5 of the low G.I diet that I am piggybacking off my friend on and probably the most radical thing I have done food-wise since I left my mama’s house at 17. The scene is played out in Club du Chim, a members-only establishment, and the actors are all the different foods that I’ve been eating.

February 21st 2011: There is a new notice outside the club doors following a massive refurbishment.

Under new management: Previous memberships have been revoked and everyone will need to be re-evaluated for membership under the new regime

Messrs Potato, Rice, Noodles and Pasta walk with the swagger born of being lifetime members of the club. They smirk at the crowd queued up neatly outside the nondescript door that is the entrance. Rice being the most charismatic of the lot smiles as he recognises one or two people in the queue – Carrot is standing in a lovely trench coat looking uber trendy and clearly trying to impress, Aubergine’s wearing a nice green hat to complement her wonderful colour. “She must just have come back from a holiday or something” he mutters to Noodles. “She’s looking pretty dashing”.

Potato smirks and says loudly “I don’t know why you come here week after week, you are never going to make it in. You just don’t meet the cool factor” to the simpering Cauliflower, Broccoli and Mushroom. They barge their way through to the front of the queues flashing their platinum cards at the bouncers.

Bouncer: Hi sirs, you’re going to have to join the queue for me. Have you seen the notices on the door?

Noodles: Yeah we did but we’ve been VIP members of the club for 10 years now. Surely it’s only academic for us four. You couldn’t possibly survive without our patronage.

Bouncer: Hey, I don’t make the rules, OK? I just apply them and right now everyone is equal. There are no VIPs until registration is complete

All four move reluctantly to the back of the queue with Broccoli saying just under her breath “grace to grass for some, eh?” The bouncers check ID and let the guests through two at a time. Some of the clientele get turfed at the door – Peas just didn’t meet the dress code and was told not to bother to show up again, Potato shouted out “Don’t know why you even bother matey, this is just not your scene!”. Noodles was feeling a bit embarrassed now hanging with Potato and hung back from the group a little. He catches the eye of Aubergine and they start chatting while the queue steadily declines.

“I can’t believe how difficult it is under the new rules! I heard something about low G.I required for membership” Cauliflower is saying anxiously to Mushroom. “I mean this is the hottest place in town and I have been dying to get in for years but the last time I made it in must have been a decade ago and my membership was revoked with no explanation when Chim took over running the club from her mother”. Mushroom nodded, grimly adding that he only managed to sneak in sometimes when he was with Chicken or Lamb.

Lamb, Chicken, Pork, Sausage, even Bacon all made it in but they were told that they had to get their act together under this regime as only lean meats were allowed. Lamb bragged to the others “ha! I bet if I’ve got some old spice on, they’re going to let me in whether or not I’m lean”. Chicken was a bit nervous since she had been rather hit and miss over the last couple of years especially when she turned up with cleavage revealing clothes. She had a miniskirt on today as she’d noticed she was far more successful with some leg on show and it seemed to have paid off.

The line continued to move and Carrot noted with happiness that some people that he hadn’t thought would get in hadn’t been thrown out – Rocket, Watercress and Spinach to name a few. Carrot suddenly noticed the short person hidden by the massive frame of Cucumber was Hummus. “Hey Hum, it’s been ages since we met up. How are things these days?” Hummus turned round and they did the man hug thing and exchanged details of the latest in their lives. Turns out that Hummus was well known to bouncer lady and seeing that they appeared very close, Carrot was waved in and registered easily.

Pasta looked nervously at his watch. It was strange for him to be in a queue at this club. Many years ago he always got dumped in favour of Rice or Noodles when spaces were limited but since he ditched his Nigerian dressing for an Italian makeover, he’d become a massive favourite. He watched Cauliflower, Broccoli and Mushroom arguing furiously that they met the low G.I requirement plus had very desirable high fibre content. The bouncers adamantly maintained that they’d filled up the quota already for their category. “I can’t believe I got a nice afro done this week. Look how big my head looks. It was supposed to make me more desirable” Cauliflower cried out in despair. Broccoli just wondered why he’d been suckered into coming with his wife again – ever since Chim took over, he knew that the pair of them were blacklisted and just because Cauliflower snuck in a few months ago covered in Indian attire didn’t mean that they were going to bypass the new rules.

Potato: About time we got to this point. I should complain to management you know. I’ve never been treated this way before

Bouncer: Hey, we told you that everyone has to go through this today.

Noodles: Well here’s my platinum card, I’m obviously loaded and my friends and I have always been favourites round here. In fact, I think I recall Chim saying that she couldn’t imagine life without any of us.

Bouncer: Oh my days, I’ve just looked at the blacklisted folks. It looks like under the new rules none of you four is allowed.

Rice: There must be some mistake. I mean how can we be banned? Is it for life?

Bouncer: It says here on the list. Look. Plantain, Yam and the four of you are among the Carbs group that we cannot allow in under any circumstance. You’re supposed to re-apply in May, there might be a limited membership option available then.

Noodles: Absolutely not! I’d like to go in with the lovely Aubergine here. Can’t you see how nice a couple we are? I was hoping to spoil her with some Cristal or Ace of Spades in there.

Bouncer: Oh no, no, no. Aubergine is listed as an undesirable here. In fact she’s got a lifetime ban since last night when she was invited to the preview opening with Courgette, Beetroot and Tuna. Courgette was very surprised to finally be let in after many years on the blacklist.

Noodles: OMG, you let that heffer Courgette in? I am suddenly uninterested in going in even if you begged me to. The standards of Club du Chim must have gone down!

Bouncer: Sorry about that but rules are rules. As I said, come back in May. There are limited membership options. Lentils and Yoghurt got those today. They can only show up two or three times a week. You guys were such party animals. Club du Chim is tired of you turning up every single day with all your demands.

Potato: I think I’m going to sue. This is ludicrous and massively discriminating. I saw Cheese, Mayonnaise and Butter (Butter!!!!!) sauntering in like they owned the place. They only had limited memberships before. How come they are now lifetime members?

Bouncer: You didn’t think that when you were sitting cosily while Courgette was turned away week after week. Rules changed. They are low G.I and that’s the key requirement these days.

Noodles turned away in a huff and ordered the valet to bring his limited edition Bugatti. He let Aubergine in and went round to the driver’s side. “I am off to find somewhere else that’s more welcoming. Pasta went to this really trendy place called LNK on Monday. It’s definitely the place to be now”